When I read i-D Features Editor Bertie Brandes's article, "a girls guide to growing up (by somebody with absolutely no experience)", I cried. I wept like an overly-hormonal pubescent dealing with the uterus-exploding pains of menstruation aka adulthood. Ok, maybe that's an exaggeration. But adulthood ain't easy and Bertie captured the woes and the beauty and the comedy of growing up with astonishing wit and nail-on-the-head candidness. As soon as I read the first few lines, "Honestly, a guide to growing up? It can’t be possible. We are all growing up, all of the time. I don’t know anyone of any age or gender, who won’t occasionally call me crying from a bathroom stall because they don’t know what they’re doing with their life", I knew it was gonna be good. When I got to the end (the section on the ever elusive 'love'), I was a blubbering mess. This is not an exaggeration. I messaged the piece to at least five of my Facebook friends, tears streaming down my face, and demanded that they stop everything to read the words in the article ASAP.
In fact, I'm gonna do it again. Read. Now.
"Ah and finally, the big one. Love. Love is what will force you to grow up years before you’re really ready. You will fall in love with some seriously odd people, some drug addicts, some people who have embarrassing accents and probably one person who you absolutely cannot imagine ever being apart from ever again. And then it will all come crashing down around you and you’ll realise love is basically about timing and you might as well wait until you’re ready to have a kid or at least declare bankruptcy before thinking about sharing your entire life with someone again. People say you get stronger as you get older but as far as I can tell you just get increasingly accustomed to feeling rejected and alone. It won’t be long before you’re looking back on those sleepless nights of teenage heartbreak with a tear of nostalgia in your glazed, un-blinking eye. Alternatively fall in love really early and be blissfully happy and never, ever talk about it, because believe me, nobody wants to know. Helpful tip: when you are in love, try not to have sex with other people that you don’t love. It’s sort of unnecessary."
And now that we're all gloriously weeping in unison, I will continue this super long intro. (Yeah I have a lot to say about writer-genius Bertie Brandes #sorrynotsorry)
Fast forward from summer to a week ago when I discovered via social media that Bertie published a sequel to her tear-inducing growing up article. Of course, I immediately clicked the link because
1) Duh, it's the sequel it's the SEQUEL!
2) It was about love.
So I clicked the link and I read the piece and I cried. Again. And you know what they (read: I) say, if you make me cry after reading your words once, I'm too emotional. But make me cry twice, and you are literally my soul twin and we need to spend the rest of our lives being best friends forever.
That's why, upon finishing the article, I tweeted at Bertie and asked if she would be my best friend. To my complete and utter shock and amazement, SHE SAID YES. So now we are besties and here is a Q&A so YOU can get to know the girl behind the words.
FYI, Bertie is just as explosive and radical and hilarious as her words. If reading her words is like a supergalactic slumber party with the cool girl who knows all the secrets to life and boys and finding the perfect frozen meal at the supermarket, then conversing with her is like some surreal sitcom dreamcloud that you didn't even think could exist in real life. You just can't make up the shit Bertie says. If anyone is an individual in this wild world, it is Bertie Brandes. And that is an understatement. Just see for yourself below:
Who are YOU?
I am really not sure.
How did you discover your writing voice? It's so uncensored and full of personality and wit. Did it take you awhile to develop this voice or is it literally your head spilling onto paper/blank digital space?
I think it found me? The time I spent at VICE definitely helped me understand how to improve my writing style but I’ve been blogging like a surly shallow teenager since I was a surly shallow teenager and it isn't showing any signs of letting up.
Your three favorite humans in the whole entire world and why?
My Grandma because she’s fiercely intelligent and frightens all my boyfriends into falling in love with her which I think is brilliant.
Your three favorite places to shop for clothes and why?
I actually semi hate shopping but I love vintage and I go on eBay more than I visit any real clothes shops. I would also recommend buying candles from Ikea and things that smell nice from Neal's Yard.
Your three favorite activities (besides writing bomb.com articles)?
Watching Sky in other people's houses.
Favorite song to listen to when heartbroken?
Anything and everything by Nick Cave, particularly And No More Shall We Part
Can people be friends with their exes?
People might be able to but I can hardly be friends with my friends let alone people I’ve had sex with.
On the subject of love/lost love, do you believe in love?
Whole-heartedly. Love is the only thing I really believe in at all.
I feel like you and i-D are soul mates. How did you find i-D or did i-D find YOU?
We sort of stumbled upon one another outside the VICE offices I think.
What do you think of Taylor Swift's 1989?
Really not much. Not in a bad way, I just don’t think about it really. Ever.
As a journalist, what are your thoughts on the future of print?
Print will be colonised by niche expensive bullshit for a bit and then break back with a vengeance. Pamphlets are the new Myspace bulletins. Watch this space.
Favorite social media platform and why?
Twitter probs, but it’s a love/hate relationship. Much like all relationships I suppose.
Screenshot of a day in the lyfe (with a y duh) of Bertie Brandes?
The book or piece of writing that has impacted you the most? Why?
Story of My Life by Jay Mcinerny helped me (ironically) find my voice, it also made me realise a lot of people have read that book and ripped it off (myself included). A Man in Full and Bonfire of the Vanities by Tom Wolfe and actually I Am Charlotte Simmons too because the way he discusses feminism and gender stereotypes is inspiring and so much more interesting and encompassing than a few tweets and a blogpost. At Grand Central Station I Sat Down and Wept by Elizabeth Smart because it is out and out emo and fucking full on and I love that shit. And Good Morning, by Jean Rhys. And a bunch of other stuff. Umbrella by Will Self which I am ploughing through right now and adoring.
Favorite places to hang out in London?
I like most of the bridges except the Millennium Bridge. I also like to eat at Eat Tokyo. Maison Berteaux.
You wrote about Lindsay Lohan for Wonderland magazine, what are three adjectives to describe Lilo?
Off. The. Chain.
Craziest thing that's ever happened to you?
LIFE
Three favorite writers and why?
At the moment Will Self, George Monbiot, Slavoj Zizek
Do you ever struggle with writer's block? If so, how do you climb out of the abyss?
Yes, always. I get out of it by procrastinating on the night of an already overdue deadline by answering emails that are also overdue. Like this one for example.
Spirit animal? (Doesn't have to be an actual animal)
Dawn Weiner from Welcome to the Dollhouse
Trend interpretations for next season?
Fluffy stuff made in sweatshops. Good 80’s. Smart shoes.
I was lurking on you on Google, do you know Rory Critchlow-Simpson (aka the magical creature who snapped the polaroid photo above...I found this out after I asked this question and I realize this is bizarre to those reading now)?!? I am lowkey obsessed with him cuz he is one of the weirdest people I've met IRL. He reminds me of Ezra Miller. And I feel like you and Rory would get involved in some wild antics. Has this happened?
I do! Rory is a very old friend of mine who I work with often and love an awful lot. He is a wonderful (and wild) human being.
Lyfe motto?
Always carry deodorant.
Now that we are best friends forever, what should we do for our first #besties hangout?
Help me to write the piece I should be writing right now which was due this morning.
xx
LOL @ always carry deodorant. I enjoyed reading this. Very nice. http://fashionablyidu.blogspot.com/
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